There Is Nothing Wrong With The Body

Women, since time immemorial, have been considered a fitting counterpart to their male partner. Nature has created man and woman to complement each other so that life on earth can be continued forever and ever. So, it is actually a design of the Almighty Creator to generate an irresistible attraction between man and woman.

Though it is not often spelled out, most women secretly crave to get their physical beauty attested by their man. Though it appears simple; often held as a Law of Nature for a man to get attracted towards the female body, there are underlying complexities that need to be explored, especially in an orthodox societal setup like India where indecent body exposure by women is considered a taboo.

Why males are psychologically attracted towards female body?

According to psychological theories, a man is attracted towards a female body that shows all signs of maturity and fertility. Men are by no means superficial. But the brain of a man is wired uniquely to get drawn towards the physical cues a woman’s body sends. Psychologically, a man is instantly drawn towards a woman he considers brimming with female hormones to give him healthy off springs.

There are certain physical features of overwhelming fertility in a woman’s body that arouses a man; such as smooth skin, lustrous hair, full lips, large eyes, full breasts, low waist-hip ratio, slim body etc. Also, some theories say that a woman who has a fabulous body can attract the attention of any man if she dons a red attire. Seema Hingorrany, a reputed psychologist says, “Men are attracted to a female body clad in red. Red is the colour of passion and is usually associated with love, erotica and mood elevation”.

If a man abuses a female body, it’s a man’s fault, not a woman’s

The recent trends show that men, rather than appreciating the beauty of woman in the real sense of the term, are literally abusing it. Incidents of rape, molestation and incest are on the rise in our country and this indicates how the men of today are viewing a woman’s body with lustful eyes only to ravish it and ravage it. It’s true that love starts with an attraction towards the body, which then passes on to a stage of deep affection and emotional bonding. But here it’s all lust, no love at all!

When men can’t dominate women otherwise, taking advantage of our male dominated social setup gives them a chance to exploit her and derogate her by attacking her physically.

It may seem hard to believe so, but there is actually no need for a woman to feel uncomfortable with her body. Women’s body is the most beautiful, rather the most unique creation of Almighty. So should a woman feel conscious about her god given gifts only because of a handful of perverts and deprive herself of the joy and pride of owning a beautiful body? The problem lies with those perverted males, not with her.

Every woman is uniquely beautiful

Each and every woman is beautiful in her own way and should try to maintain her beauty not for the world, but for her own sake. ‘Beauty’ is a very relative term. The definition of feminine beauty varies from person to person. If you take the bodily beauty of a woman, God has given every single woman some distinct attributes that will win over the heart of the right man. For instance, some women have a beautiful face, some have an attractive figure; some have dreamy eyes that can look right in to the soul, while others could have long lustrous envy generating hair or could have a beautiful smile.

Thus every woman is beautiful but only the right kind of man can appreciate it. ‘Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’; so it is important for every woman to find out what her best features are, and then accentuate these with pride without the fear of being exploited for the same.

Why women seek for men’s appreciation psychologically?

In India where the status of women has always been considered subservient to men, women psychologically feel that until and unless a man compliments them on their looks and body, it’s useless to dress up and beautify their own selves. A man’s acknowledgement of their beauty has gone so deep into their psyche that they can’t think of adorning themselves for their own sake.

This situation is not restricted to India alone. Psychological studies prove that women have a strong emotional dependence on males and from that emotional dependence springs their need to be appreciated by men.

So what a woman really needs to do is salute her own self and consider her body as holy as a temple!

A woman needs to appreciate herself first; it’s crucial!

We are working much towards women liberation, bringing out long protest rallies against physical violence on women and so on. But everything turns futile if a woman still continues to underestimate herself. It is she who first has to appreciate herself; close all doors to self-pity or remorse and take care of her body considering it as a marvellous gift from Almighty Creator because it is a woman’s  body alone that has uniquely been created to beget children and continue the human race on earth.

It’s time to change the trend.... It’s time to look beautiful because it makes you feel better about yourself, not because you want to fetch compliments from the opposite sex!

5 Things Every Son Must Know

We, the Indian women of today, claim that we have been able to modernize ourselves and are now no more shackled by our males. But the headlines of the daily newspapers mirror a different picture altogether. Even today it isn’t uncommon to see news headlines that somewhere in India, brutal incidents of gang rape, bride burning, molestation, incest, eve teasing and more are reported.  Have we really progressed, or is the reality that our progress is but a superficial progress trampled by the ego-centric males who get a devilish pleasure in toying with women?

A feminist critic once remarked, “A thing of beauty is a toy forever” Thus, in this 21^st century it is the responsibility of every mother to instil in her son certain values that help him understand that women are no play-things.  Only then can the Indian society be re-constructed afresh in favour of women.

The 5 core values that every parent must teach their son so that he can grow up to become a good son, a good brother, a good husband and a good father are:

#1 Respect Women: They are the backbone of the society

Men should be able to respect women. Without this inherent respect for a woman, men cannot see the finer and deeper attributes in her. A mother is the first woman a son is acquainted with. Therefore, it’s her job to instil in her son a deep respect for women and all their virtues, so that he can start to respect women in general from an early age, rather than see women as inferior to men.  It often happens that a son psychologically feels that all women are as virtuous as his mother and starts respecting them, for which of course the mother deserves a big round of applause. Also, a good mother will be a guide, helping her son understand why it’s wrong to disrespect women and correct him if he goes wrong.

#2 Women are different from men: And that’s how it should be!

A man should know, agree and happily acknowledge that a woman is his able counterpart. She has her own feminine freshness and softness, and her own charms. She may or may not be as ambitious as a man, may love to focus more on the home-front at times rather than worry about bringing in the mullah, but that does in no way undermine the importance of her gender role. Some women, by managing the home front efficiently, can help a man focus on his profession and career most perfectly. Also with her huge depth of emotions, love and care, her characteristic feminine sweetness, patience and calmness she can even every odds of life.  Therefore, even if women are different from men, men must learn to appreciate that difference rather than try to exploit it, and it’s the duty of every parent to see to it that their son develops this value.

#3 Women are not objects - sexual or otherwise

This is very crucial issue, especially in a male-dominated society like India where women are sexually abused almost every day in offices, colleges, on the streets, BPOs, pubs, cafes and so on. Many men believe that it a projection of their masculinity to show their prowess on women. In case they can’t win over a woman the right way and find their egos bruised, they go on to abuse her sexually for smoothening their ruffled feathers. Every parent should teach their son that if they want to be called a MAN in the real sense of the term, he must never treat a woman like an object or property. She is a human being worthy of respect, and objectifying her is a disdainful act.

 

#4 Women can make great friends: Not every woman can be your soul-mate

It is not necessary that every woman a man interacts with or becomes close to will prove to be an ideal soul mate; some are just great friends. It’s time to break away from the misconception – Yes, men and women can be friends; they don’t always have to be ‘something more’.  And for this, parents need to instil the same values in their sons, letting them befriend girls their age and never read too much in to it. Not every woman can be your girlfriend, but she definitely can be a worthy friend because she is compassionate, a great listener and more often than not also a great advisor to a man.

#5 Women have no more restrictions than men

A man often feels that since he is in a patriarchal social setup, he is entitled to do almost whatever he wants. Similarly, it’s important that a parent teaches their son that the modern woman too can exercise her own discretion to abide only by the restrictions she sees fit to follow, and it isn’t fair to compel her to do otherwise. It’s her call – whether she wants to drink, party hard, work late or go out with friends after work; it gives no man any excuse to judge her for her actions, just like a man wouldn’t like a woman to judge him for his choices in lifestyle. No woman should be expected to live by restrictions a man wouldn’t, because she is not inferior to him in anyway.

So, if you have a son, make sure that you teach him these 5 core values. After all, if you want to reform the Indian society to ensure that your daughters and daughter-in-laws can feel safer, the change has to begin right at home!

 

The 'Rape Capital' dissected

It is not an unheard fact that the National Capital of India also stands ashamedly as the Rape Capital.

The factors leading to a rape are not restricted to a particular rationality. What is common is the vicious and horrible mentality that exists in men everywhere; be it Delhi, Punjab, Rajasthan, or even in countries abroad. But recent examples have brought much notoriety to the capital city and exposed that Delhi today is definitely the most unsafe city for women in India.

Out of all the crimes in the city, rapes account for a shocking 15%!
393 rape cases in the first three months of the year, 2013- Shocking news!

This averages out to be over 4 rape cases a day in the city.

Rapes have no parallel to other crimes. It shatters a girl mentally, emotionally and physically. Condescending attitude from the society and physical wounds apart, the ugly impact that a rape victim’s mind suffers from being beyond the description of words.

                          The question that arises is, out of all places- Why Delhi?

                          Why is the nation’s capital the center of a crime like rape?

Considering the government pays more attention to the capital city, what could be the factors possibly that make Delhi the Rape capital.

The most undeniable and obvious factor responsible for a rape is the thinking and mentality of the rapist. Why then, an educated city like Delhi stands at the stage of crime that arises from such a lowly mentality?

Delhi is a city of different cultures. People from all over India, belonging to different strata reside here. The very rich, the very poor, people from different religions, difficult familial and educational backgrounds, all kinds exist in the capital. This vast disparity leads to the ultra-‘modern’ facing the conventional.

 The convention, in this case is conventional enough to clothe a woman they feel is indecently dressed but not to shun thoughts like possessing her sexually by force.

Other factors that make Delhi the rape capital include the way the city has been designed. Delhi is so designed that certain large areas are not directly connected to public transport and one often has to walk distances after and before taking public transport.

There are areas poorly connected and there are others that are much more secluded. 

Also, the policing and law enforcement in Delhi needs to get stricter!

Needless to say, there’s an urgent and dire need for Delhi’s status to change from the ‘Rape Capital’. To bring about such a change, law and order needs to be ensured. A change in mentality is a primary solution; but a slow one. If the rod works quicker, then the Police and Law need to resort to it to create a threat full image of punishment to rapists. Public transport especially for women needs to reach out to deeper areas. There should be check posts established in secluded areas so the police always keep a watch, closely.

Over and above all of these, the very basic factor that requires a change is the mindset!

One may try to keep the environment safe and one that prevents rapes, but the ugly root set in the mind of the rapist needs to be pulled off and strangled to death. The education of this type begins at home. Respect for women makes deep impressions on a child’s mind and such values are imbibed right from the start.

For those already under the clutches of the mentality of a rapist, rehabilitation centers, meditation can try to do the needful.

Women against Women - The Dark Side of the Female Gender

In a world where for years it has been said that a man keeps a woman down, the bitter truth is slowly surfacing- the dark side of the female gender where we see how a woman is another woman’s worst enemy.

Women against women is a subject that hasn’t been brought to light or talked about often, for we as a society are so caught up in the gender bias, we look only at how women are treated by the opposite gender. The truth of the matter is that women have come a long way - they are at par with men, they are educated, they make a lot of money, they are talented and they are strong. Agreed! But what about a woman’s psychology towards another woman; do we really talk about that? The answer is no.

The Dark Side
As sad as it is, a woman’s psychology is such that she counts someone else’s sorrows and blessings instead of focussing on her own. She is more interested in others business rather than her own. She meddles in others issues even when she has no connection with it whatsoever. She often finds pleasure in interfering in others matters when she doesn’t really have a say in things. Why? Does it give her anything? Where did the concept of ‘gossip is stress busting’ originate? Women might believe that these things give them pleasure, freedom and so on and so forth; but to be honest, a woman who consumes herself in such activities is nothing but unhappy, insecure and jealous.

The Urban Versus the Rural
It is said that a woman finds the ultimate confidant or BFF in another woman; that she shares every detail regarding her life and understands all difficulties befallen on womankind. It is said that only a woman can understand the pain of another of her kind. Is that really true? 

Let us take an example- have you ever noticed how urban women look down upon rural women and how rural women don’t think urban women belong to their world? It is true. We treat our household help like she doesn’t deserve the respect, care, love and support that we (as the ‘memsaab’) do. On one hand we talk about equality and women empowerment and the upliftment of women. And on the other hand, we are the ones who yell on, scheme against and sabotage our own kind.

How many of us know how old our housekeeper is, how many children she has, how old these children are, what their names are, if they go to school, what her husband does, if they are all insured….leave alone what her dreams are. It is taken for granted that a rural woman has no dreams, that she has no aspirations, leave alone an existence. She spends her days making sure your world is a comfortable place, only to be ridiculed if she makes the minutest of mistakes. Unlike urban women, these rural women have no education, no financial stability and they are lower paid, made to do all the dirty household work.

Same is the case when we talk of rural women and what they think of urban women. A rural woman might feel that an urban woman has no pudicity or modesty. For a rural woman, an urban woman is too modern in her outlook, only caring about her lifestyle and her profession, ignoring her duties and responsibilities towards her house and her family.

Mothers versus Mother-In-Laws
The greatest love of a mother’s life is her child and maybe that is the reason that mothers do not want to let go of their children even after they grow up. We see that even though the world has come such a long way and women can do everything a man can, parents tend to still want to protect and hold back their daughters. Why?

A mother feels the need to call up her daughter five times a day to know where she is, who she’s with, what she’s doing and if she’s alright. It is a mother’s heart, agreed, but why not give your daughter the freedom to explore on her own and be her own person? A mother wants to spend her life shadowing her daughter, believing that her kid must get the best of education, but be married off at the age of 23 and have kids soon after.  Why is it that a mother-in-law feels that she can live her daughter-in-laws life for her and dictate terms at every corner?

We want an educated girl for our boy, but when we do get one, we want her to sit at home and be a homemaker.  We want that no matter how well-read a girl is, she never talk back or voice her opinions. Why is that? It is but such a paradox to see how women bind their own kind with redundant thoughts- a mother wanting to forever protect her daughter and a mother-in-law wanting to suppress her daughter-in-law.

The New Bully at the Workplace
Men are not the only bullies at work, in fact women are worse as they lay traps, sharpen their elbow and notch up their attack. A recent study stated that 70% of times, women choose other women as a target at the workplace. They often have negative, foul things to say about other successful women for the simple reason that they feel their territory is being invaded, instantly making their defenses go up. This is the reason women instantly critique other women and deduce plausible explanations to why they are better than their female counterparts. Instead of being nurturers and comforters, like we were born to be, women are turning into competitive, brutal and fixated creatures. A woman’s incessant desire for being on top of the game is slowly killing her loyal and true side.

So you see, in a world where so called Feminists are waging wars against men and the way they treat Indians, we as a society hide under covers the way women treat women. It’s time to make a stand; it’s time to finally acknowledge the dark side of the female psyche and address this issue that is in no way less important when we talk of New Age radical ideas.

Are Women More Mature Than Men?

‘Maturity’ is a very relative term. While one might think cracking jokes on farting men and burping women is hilarious to others it might seem immature and crass. While some think growing up is all about rules, regulations and setting examples others consider it a chance to retain the child within.

In the larger context of society, however, maturity is linked to a certain responsible behavior which lets people co-exist peacefully. It is a thought which exercises restraint in order to make space for another individual to create a little room for himself or herself.

The gender debate on whether women are more mature than men has been going on since forever, and knowing the gender-politics tendencies, it is not hard to predict that it will go on for a very long time.

Coming straight on to what scientific studies have to say (though the ‘maturity’ gene never was found!) – The scales do tilt in favor of the fairer sex. Different studies average onto values – that women generally mature around the age of 32 and men around 43.

While biology supports that fact, that sexually girls grown 2 years before a boy her age does, it gets difficult to place a finger on one scale with full conviction for terms best left to personal interpretation-like maturity. But on research, based on opinions of men and women, both women and men agree that women mature faster than men, in majority.

It hardly is a surprise then, that a lot of women prefer dating older men. The reason is simple: older men are more of a match for their maturity than men their age. There are a lot many examples to quote of the typical ‘cradle-snatcher’, as the man involved in such relationships was known some time back. Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have a shocking 60 year age difference between them. There’s Cary Grant and Barbara Harris-47 year difference, JD Salinger and his wife- 40 years; Clint Eastwood, Woody Allen, Eric Clapton, Frank Sinatra are other famous names in the older-man list.

Women, as is a known fact, are stability-seekers. And usually, men their age cannot provide that kind of stability- both emotionally and financially. Men in the latter part of their lives have grown stable with their years and this attracts women to them. Also, they’re more sensitive and experienced in bed and know how to please a woman. Another reason for the rising number of this kind of relationships is that women claim they can have more intellectually stimulating conversations with older men.

The direct impact of the woman being more mature than the man is on the relationships they’re involved with. Because women believe they’re more mature and men easily agree on it too, gleeful to play the Cricket-lover, lazy, dirty lad always, in most romantic relationships, women tend to take charge and become the ‘mommy’ of the relationships. The dominating mother like attitude can become imposing and can lead to conflicts.

A woman’s maturity in a marriage can also bring about stability to their lives. Boys will be boys always, they say. Maybe nature has its plan in mind and it has designed humans purposely this way.

    Maybe man needs to be guided around by a woman his age, but more mature than him…!!

It would be unfair to not mention though that maturity does largely depend from individual to individual. And stereotyping on the basis of gender does not make complete sense.

Slut Walk Revisited

“We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.”

If you have been as involved or as in clue with what the women in India have been up to this past six months or more, this statement would have made its way to you much before than now. Inspired by the parent concept which originated early July in Canada, at the end of July 2011 women in Delhi organized the infamous Slut Walk  to protest against the daily violence, especially the ones of a sexual nature, against women in India. 

2011. Not 2012 when the case of Damini shocked the entire nation into first silence then aggressive action. Not 2013 when the embers of similar rape cases flamed the fires of a discontented female section of one of the largest populations. As early as 2011. Women have been vicimtized for eons and women have been trying to get your attention to make a point time and again. Sit up and take notice.

Why are women sluts?
As bold and shocking as this might sound, there are multiple reasons why women are branded as ‘sluts’:

-    She does not fear talking to men. She does not mind having an occasional male friend over. She openly confesses her need to be admired and appreciated.
-    She loves her body and she loves to pamper it. She dresses in clothes which make her look good. She is a slut because she according to the general male population is dressing to catch attention. She wants to be laid. Why should a woman dress up otherwise?
-    She enjoys having sex as her male counterpart. Why is it so criminal for a woman to enjoy having sex? Why is sex supposed to be pleasurable only for the Indian Male? Why is sex restricted only as a means to an heir for the woman?

What was the Slut Walk all about?
In all honesty it was about eve-teasing. It was about taking sexual harassment against women seriously – by the Government and by the rest of the people in this country.

It was about letting the Nation know that rape is not the only form of sexual harassment. Rape is sexual harassment at one extreme. Casually passing lewd remarks about a girl’s body, even for fun, is sexual harassment. Women and their bodies are not tools of entertainment for the males. You want a good laugh? Take a good look into the mirror. You will find enough to crack up about.

Sexual harassment is wreaking havoc with the woman’s mind. It is more about the psychological damage it causes as opposed to the physical wounds we see as proof.  Slut Walk was about people standing up against sexual harassment.

What didn’t happen then
Though there were more than 5000 registrations on the FB Page less than 50 people showed up. They were scared of being associated with something as controversial as a Slut Walk.  If I walk down with the parade of the Slut Walk am I branding myself a slut? What will people think of me? What impact will it have on my immediate family? These were a few basic questions running through every woman’s mind. Spouses were not supportive, families even lesser.

“I hope to God I am wrong, but I have visions of men taking photographs of these girls, ogling them, trying to touch them — and not getting the point at all. To be blunt, I don’t think Delhi is ready for this kind of in-your-face protest. Sad, but true,” remarked Christine Pemberton, a 70s feminist living in New Delhi.

Delhi could not understand the irony of using a controversial theme like Slut in a protest.

Times Change
Or so they say. Have we matured in these past years? Have real cases being reported almost every day help us come out of our cocoons? Do we want to stand up and once again try to get people more aware about making space for women?

A part of me believes we have. A part of me wants to believe it so desperately. It would mean that the world is changing. It would mean there is hope.

Why More Indian Women Should Wear Heels

As Indians, we are always blamed for aping the west. If we choose trousers over the ethnic churidars, it is a western influence, if we opt for a chic handbag instead of the Jholas  we are influenced by the west, if we like pasta over pav bhaji  it is the fault of the west! It is almost as if being Indian is a test. You will have an influx of global brands setting up awesome showrooms across the malls of the nation, but you are not allowed to buy the wares because .. wait.. you are getting enamored by the west! Resist the temptation. Flock to the street vendors who are selling the desi  wares because therein lies your true Indian spirit.

For a woman it just gets worse. We get lessons on culture every time we shimmy into a dress which makes us feel good. I remember being lectured by a maternal aunt on how Indian bodies are not designed to wear western clothes.  How I would look much prettier if I traded in my black cowl neck for a beaded Kurti!  My body. My Choice. While seven out of ten times I might feel inclined to dress to impress people. Ten out ten times I dress up because it makes me feel good about myself, makes me confident of who I am and for those moments I really feel beautiful. I do not care whether my dressing is eastern or western or south Indian. 

Ditto for shoes! I don’t own forty pairs of shoes because Carrie Bradshaw owned them in SATC. I own them because I want to. Ridiculously enough an Indian woman’s want or craving for shoes is also often blamed on a western influence. I can’t imagine wearing mojris  or Kolhapuris  for the rest of my life! And it is not just about fashion or style. 

Heels Inspire Confidence
It is not just a woman’s excuse to want to own heels – heels actually give you confidence. In a patriarchal society like India, where the testosterone levels are on a forever high, a woman needs that little bit of extra boost to hold her head high.

Have you ever tried to walk into a room filled with men, clicking you smart heels in confidence? Eight out of ten with ‘look up’ out of sheer curiosity and at least four will take notice of what you have to say? Why?

Because men are primal. Their animal instincts make them associate height with power. So before the rational or logical part of their brain kicks in, a tall woman equates to a powerful woman in their brains. And as far as first impressions go, this is one impression which will definitely work in your favor.

Heels are your secret
Heels talk. And I am not just saying this out of some misguided love for high heels. Heels help you make your own personal statement. They help you express your feelings towards the situation you are walking into.

For a lot of women, it is their shoes who carry their secrets at the butt of their heels and the tip of their toes. Wear your secrets. Share your own private joke. Those toe pinching heels which dig into the back of your foot? They will tell you how nervous you are about the meeting, while the people present see a tall, confident woman walk into the room.

The slightly taller heels which make your legs look longer and your posture smarter? They will assure you that you are wearing them to impress the guy you have a crush on. You want him to take notice.

In a society loaded with taboos, having heels is like having a best friend. You can’t talk about how you feel because it is indecent to be verbose about your feelings but heels help you walk your mood.

In a time and age in this nation when women have the illusion of freedom, but not the right to enjoy it, when women are shown the path to equality  but are still paying the price to walk down that path, heels are the companions who will not only help you click your way in style, but make sure you get noticed every step of the way!

Invisible Barriers

The Indian woman today lives in a modern world.

She’s allowed to go out. She’s allowed to work and be a part of the economy class.

She doesn’t have to remain a widow all her life if she becomes one.

She’s allowed to speak her mind.

INCOMPLETE REALITY

Enter complete reality! Enter corrections for all of the above statements: 

The Indian woman today lives in a semi-modern world developing to understand a woman. Not developed yet, mind you.

She’s allowed to go out, but before dark. She’s allowed to work; but mostly in an industry the choice of her parents or husband and in-laws. A field considered ‘decent’ by the ‘society’.

She doesn’t have to remain a widow all her life if she becomes one. But once she remarries after her husband’s death, she’s looked down upon.

She’s allowed to speak her mind only as long as it complies with her man’s opinions.

Some years ago, we lived in an India that was male-centric. It would not be exaggeration to state that the Indian female was down-trodden and oppressed. The Indian woman had rights lesser in number and much different from the Indian male’s. The society was patriarchal; still is. And so on and so forth.

Over years, things changed. The Indian woman gained more power. Gradually, she began to step out of the house, to work, for leisure. Unbelievable evil practices of the past like Sati and widows not being allowed to remarry were abolished. In the Indian family, the status of a wife, daughter, and daughter -in- law rose. She got the chance to educate herself and think.  She gained a voice, an opinion. No denying that things did change and for the better.

But, look around your world today.

As an Indian woman, representing the section of Indian females, do you feel you are a free woman? Are there barriers in paths to your growth- spiritual, mental and social?

We may have done away with the seemingly basic restrictions on the Indian woman. But invisible barriers remain, unfortunately. The Indian woman, as has been always, is expected to be gentle, not ‘too-outspoken’, flexible and adjusting.

We, as a society unabashedly boast of the changing society and the shift of rights in the female department. But we claim not to see the invisible barriers holding back the Indian woman. The examples of such invisible barriers are too many to count.

A divorced woman- ‘loose character, not adjusting’

A woman stepping out of her home in the dark- ‘indecent’

A woman with strong, unconventional views - ‘headstrong’

Right from childhood, a girl in India is reared up, inculcating in her a sense of sacrifice. She’s preached lessons of sacrifice and compromise. More than often, the sacrifice is not meant to be one driven by the heart; it is sacrifice driven by duty.

A newly wedded girl is burdened down by her duties of being the home-maker. Regardless of whether she’s working to support the house financially or not, the duties of the house are solely hers. In a fight between the husband and wife, she has to submit. She’s the female after all. And Indian females are reared to adjust always. Invisible barriers of the sort hinder a person’s individual growth. They suppress any growth in her. It’s clipping the wings of a bird who so wants to take flight, some day at some time!

And since this has been going on since years- both the male and female have easily become accustomed to this and accepted this as the way of life. Men have seen males in their family have all the freedom they want; they readily follow. And the females have seen their mothers lead lives of suppressed emotions and dreams and believe that this is the convention to be followed.

Needless to say, there needs to be a change. Invisible barriers are even more dangerous than the basic barriers that have been eliminated because these are barriers many pretend not to see. Those who can see claim there’s a need for such barriers. There may be a need for the barriers, considering an example where women aren’t generally allowed out at night. Definitely, it is for her safety. But isn’t there the need for the society to change that has made it unsafe for her to go out at night?

The truth is that such invisible barriers can be eliminated by none other than the Indian woman herself. These are barriers she can understand best and for her own rights, she must learn to raise her voice!

Feminism - Abused and Overrated

The very word ‘Feminism’ at once stirs up an interest in us; it’s been one of the most burning topics for the last two decades. Feminism – it’s a movement that started out as a way to fight for the rights of Indian women, helping them climb up the social ladder so they could enjoy gender equality in social, political, educational, professional and all other important spheres of life. However, today it has become an ambiguous term that seems to have lost its power, acting more as an irritant that has been over-used and abused for way too long.

The society throughout the world has always allowed men to enjoy a stronger position when compared to women, while women were always considered subordinate. The picture was grimmer in India and inhuman rituals and customs like Sati, Child marriage etc were practiced. With an iconic movement like Feminism, revolutionary changes came in to the society and the story of women repression and suppression could be managed to a great extent.

Unfortunately, today feminism is misinterpreted, and the hope & promise that it showed at its dawn appears to dim out. And the people who are responsible for this are undoubtedly the present day feminism activists. Today’s feminism activists lack the earlier spark, dedication & fervor. They are no more than fanatic feminists. Does that mean it’s time to put a stop to feminism?

Rise & Origin of Feminism
The Feminist movement originated in the year 1840 in the West and the sole goal was women liberation by rising over the patriarchy. The movement falls into 3 distinct ‘Waves’. The first wave also called suffragette movement (late 1800s-early 1900s) focused on securing women suffrage, right to property and some other vital Fundamental Rights for Women that would help them to achieve political equality and be at par with the men. The second wave (1960s-1970s) is a crucial landmark in the feminist movement. The entire Feminist Iconography is often believed to rest on the second wave. During this phase issues like rape, sexual harassment, reproductive rights for women were brought to the lime light. The third wave feminism with its top issues like Gender identity, class, race, queerness came up around 1990s.

Whatever gaps in the feminist movement were there were addressed in the third wave and this third wave ultimately broadened into the modern day full spectrum feminist movement that deals with gender intersection, sexuality, class, race etc issues with a more holistic approach.

Society preyed by Feminist Fanatics
In our society there is no end to fanaticism and Feminist fanatics is another addition to the list. They are hysterical man-haters who raise hullabaloo on issues that upset the natural biological, rather God-determined roles, of man and woman and these fanatics today are perfect examples of female hostility towards men. With the huge number of Feminist Fanatics today, it has really become difficult to implement the right Feminist theories or achieve the set goals.

Why is ‘feminism’ becoming more of an irritant?
In many circumstances or for many people ‘feminism’ today has become more of an irritant because the origin of Feminism was to teach a woman to be liberated, to be conscious of her rights and establish it. It taught her that she is equal to her man in all respects with only minor differences of stature and physical strength. However today, Feminists keep insisting that women should raise a hue and cry every time her rights are ignored, or she feels repressed, and often times this exaggerated affair is not really to help the distressed woman but actually to create more publicity and turn more and more women in to active feminists.

Fact is, In India there are many women who love their womanly duties, their family; their house and even within the bounds of a house they can live a liberated life provided they are happy with their husband and their children. They don’t need to be ‘liberated’ only because they don’t want to do the same jobs as the men in their lives. And this is a concept that many feminists do not respect. Additionally, instead of trying to resolve family matters that could be a result of misunderstanding between man and wife, most feminists want to take extreme measures. Rather than trying to restore family balance, they often encourage women to take extreme steps against their husbands and fathers, resulting in severed families and destroyed relationships.

Negative impact of abused feminism on peaceful relationships
Women who are motivated by the Feminist Fanatics of today need to realize that their actions are having adverse impact on peaceful relationships in many ways:

•    Some women start misbehaving and dominating their husbands, encouraged by feminists who misinterpret feminism and their rights, pressurizing their partners to fulfill all their unjust demands. This creates an atmosphere of utter disharmony in the family
•    Some suffer from soaring superiority complex and ego that ultimately gives a death blow to their relationship
•     Some if unhappy with their present partner and looking for an excuse to end the relationship misuse feminism by bringing in fake rape, domestic violence or other assault charges against their present partner. This is nothing but Feminism fraud.

Is it time to draw the line?
Today, modern feminists really need to revise their approach. Feminism is gender warfare for acquiring equal rights for both genders. It does not tell a woman to abhor a man. Feminists really need to draw the line where they start propagating Women’s rights to punish a man for violence etc. This is where the theory tends to be misunderstood or abused by the Feminist Fanatics.

In other words a true feminist is a woman who exercises her rights or uses the theory to the extent she is a humanist; her propagandas and campaigns should never tear happy families apart.

Should Self Defense classes be mandatory for all girls?

The horrific rape case of Nirbhaya, in Delhi shook up the entire nation. It brought startling questions to every mind.

“Am I safe and do I feel protected, are there anyone who really stands up when I step out on the streets in India and face any dreadful situations?”

“Can I be a victim of a life shattering crime like rape, ever in my life?”

“Should I let my daughter or sister to go and work in the crime capital now or in the future, Delhi?”

“Is any city safe at all? Does any city exist in real with zero crime record. Are all men of similar mentality?!”

Crime against women has reached an all-time high! Nirbhaya’s heart wrenching case reduced many a heart to pieces. It seems alarming that any human being is capable of performing the horrendous act Nirbhaya’s rapists did.

Naturally, we start thinking on the lines of how safe we are.

Rapists and eve teasers know no geographical bounds. India may have emerged as the rape country of the world. But the evil mentality of a rapist isn’t specific to any region or religion. Rapes and eve teasing happen in the safest of places. Neither are these crimes limited to dark evenings. Daylight rapes and murders of ladies have made news in the past too. Babies, toddlers, teenagers, ladies and elderly women- they spare no one!

In such a situation, NO WOMAN, IN NO COUNTRY, AT NO TIME is safe.

Living in constant fear is not a solution. Being prepared for the crime IS!

The fairer sex is a favorite target because the gender biased creation has made women physically weaker. And the weak, is a favorite victim of the cowardly.

In the viewpoint of the recent crime against the women’s case, few points evolve:

•    Women should carry pepper sprays in their handbags at all times.
•    Sharp tools like nail cutter/pocket knives may prove to be useful too, if the exact technique to attack is known.
•    Few important phone numbers should always be saved on speed dial.
•    Women need to be alert of their surroundings and the people around them always.

But in the rawest of situations, when you’re facing your attacker, your phone and handbag thrown aside already, what comes to your aid is MIGHT.

• The knowledge of what kind of a blow at which body part of the attacker will give him a hard time, giving you a chance to escape or further attack him, comes into the picture.
• The experience of focusing all of your energy into that one blow is another requirement.
• And finally, some quick thinking does too.

This is what Self Defense Classes are primarily about!

“Self-defense, though violent in nature, is not a crime in itself. It is protection of self or a fight against crime. Self-defense classes train women so that they can protect their honor and fight against anyone who tries to harm them (or even someone else), in the time of need. In an age wherein women- because of their physical weaknesses, are the easiest targets for all kinds of crime, the need for Self Defense classes as a compulsion is much!”

Robbery, murder, rape, kidnapping, eve teasing. There must come to an end to it all.

And when women will be able to defend themselves, such crimes will diminish on their own.

However, “Self Defense classes should not be a compulsion.”

This argument raises the point that rather than protection from the crime, it is important to eradicate the crime from the root!

It is the very thinking in the minds of criminals that make women unsafe. A mentality that treats women as objects need to be attacked.

Proper education and upbringing in a decent environment can ensure this. Many criminals come from broken homes. To nip it in the bud, is the solution and criminal tendencies should be tended to in the very beginning.

Media doesn’t fail to bring to view the kind of graph ‘crime against women’ is tracing against time. With the public made aware, it is in our hands to decide what the right choice is for us.
Either way, Stay alert, be strong and stay safe!

Sustaining Stereotypes - Women in the Kitchen

When I was in 9th grade, my Home Science textbook taught me that the dining table should always be set in a way that the woman’s place is nearest to the kitchen so that she can serve with ease. The wife of the host should also always sit down at the table after she has served everyone. At that time, I did not give this small piece of information much thought. Looking back, however, I’m astounded by how our textbooks are teaching us to sustain gender stereotypes.

Cooking is something that has traditionally been associated with the female sex, not just in India but other cultures as well. “A woman’s place is in the kitchen” seems to be the common refrain of patriarchal minds who seem to forget that cooking is not gender-specific but a task essential for the survival of our species. What really amazes me is the fact that women themselves have internalized this notion of being the cooks of the family.

A woman will come back from work, exactly like her husband, and head straight for the kitchen to cook for the both of them. The husband, on the other hand, will head to the bathroom for a luxurious bath, change into comfortable clothes and sit down at the table, expecting to be served a delicious meal, without once lifting a finger to help his wife in the kitchen. Sound familiar? That’s because this is a common scenario in most Indian households where women themselves actually shudder at the thought of letting their husbands do their fair share of the household work. Housework, of course, is traditionally the domain of the women and should remain so. What these women forget is that with the passage of time, traditional gender roles have altered immensely. Women are now going out to work, just like the men in their families, and there is absolutely no reason then that they should be expected to bear the brunt of cooking for the entire family alone. 

I myself have seen my grandmother scolding my mother for letting my father enter the kitchen and make a cup of tea. Absurd, right? What is even more absurd is the fact that there is nothing to suggest that women are naturally better cooks (women are natural caregivers is the argument most often put forward when it comes to taking care of the kids) than men. Look at the number of top chefs in the world. Look at how the majority of these top chefs is composed of males. Why, then, is it assumed that a woman’s place is in the kitchen?

In the movie ‘English Vinglish’, Sridevi makes a brilliant point when she says that when a woman cooks, it is her duty to do so, but when a man cooks, it is considered art. Maybe that is problem here. Maybe it is high time that we rise above the notion of a woman’s duty being the cook of the family and take into account the fact that the woman of today works just like her male counterparts, and therefore deserves help from them not just in the kitchen, but also in other traditionally woman-centric household chores. It is not an outrageous demand by any standards, is it? If a woman can contribute to the family income, there is no reason why her husband cannot contribute to the kitchen duties.

What Men Want?

Woman is God’s most beautiful and unique creation and a fitting counterpart to man. Thus, a natural attraction towards feminine beauty is innate in every man. In course of time and in a congenial setting that attraction might blossom into what is called love.

However, there are some attributes that men seem to desire deeply in their lady love, their girlfriends, but not in their wives. These are:

1.    Sense of Style - Guys have innumerable expectations from their girlfriends. A young guy is warm blooded and fantasizes a lot, hoping to have a girlfriend who will be as hot as his favorite actress. In other words, he is then a denizen of a dream land with his feet not rooted to the real world, wishing for his girlfriend to look smart and sexy so that her looks can win him approval from his friends and peers.

2.    Having an Opinion - Apart from having a sexy girlfriend who would flaunt her best assets without hesitation, another attribute that guy’s look for in their girlfriends is the boldness to be able to speak up her mind. They prefer their girlfriends to be able to discuss sexual topics explicitly and raise their opinion in all matters, which makes the woman come across as worldly, sophisticated and broad minded.

3.    Skilled at Seduction – Most guys like girlfriends who are skilled in the feminine art of seducing. Without a single touch they can win a man’s heart by their flirtatious charms and are masters at the art of seducing. They’ll talk sexy; go on dates flirting with their boyfriend until he’s under the spell of their love.

4.    Adventurousness – A young man thrives on adventure, an attribute he looks for in his female partner as well. An adventurousness girlfriend who is spirited enough and somewhat reckless in nature to try out new things and adventures each new day is highly coveted.

5.    Independence – A man loves for his girlfriend to be independent and outgoing. He flaunts his smart, sexy and successful girlfriend with pride, revealing in her personal success. Most men dream of having a girlfriend who is outspoken and independent, capable of making her own decisions without the slightest bit of hesitation, so that she is the most sought after woman in any room she walks in to.

Change of Need with the passing years
As time rolls on guys become ‘men’ and acquire the experience and maturity of a man. Their way of visualizing life changes and so changes their needs. The journey from boyhood to manhood implies that many years have swished past and it’s time for them to settle down by getting into a serious long-term relationship through marriage which is considered as a holy wedlock, and of course a social institution. However, once the knot is tied through a marriage ceremony, the same man changes his opinions on what attributes his wife should possess, and more often than not, these are not the same attributes he looked for in a girlfriend. 

Guys don’t want their wives to have the above attributes: Learn Why
The reason behind this double standard in men could be a result of certain societal restrictions in India, which is why a perfect girlfriend cannot make a perfect wife. While a husband desires his wife to be beautiful, a woman who dresses smartly and likes to be independent is not considered to be a suitable wife. High maintenance wives are not at all desirable by men because it is too difficult to afford such wives.  Flirtatious wives with great seducing power can make husbands insecure and a reckless, adventure-loving wife can jeopardize the entire conjugal life. She’ll chase adventure, splurge money on it and cannot make a good wife. Wives who discuss sex explicitly are disliked by some men as this can hurt their male ego. They prefer coy, shy wives on bed. And a married woman who is too independent in nature is often assumed to stray easily, chasing after her dreams, even at the cost of her family life.

The point is that there are some women whom men like to introduce to their parents as ‘wife-material’, while there are some whom they think worthy only of courting. So the question then does not remain the infamous “What do women really want?” it is “What do men really expect from women?”

5 Things Every Mother Must Teach Her Daughter

A mother is the first individual a daughter idolizes. As a toddler she wants to do everything that ‘mommy’ does. She wants to wear the same clothes, eat the same things, say the same words- in short as she is growing up every daughter wants to be her mother. 

As the days fade into years, a mother becomes her daughter’s friend, mentor, guide and teacher. This is a huge responsibility for a mother. She must teach her daughter all the right things. The list is long and endless. And most certainly the teaching never stops. But at the top of the list is one important lesson – It does not matter that you were not born a son. You were born an individual. And as long as there is life do things which make you feel proud of who you are.

“Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.”  ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

There are 5 things every mother must absolutely teach her daughter:

1.    Pride:
A mother must teach her daughter to be proud. She must share with her daughter the joy of being a woman. She must tell her daughter that being a woman is a wonderful experience. It entitles her to memories a man can never have. She can feel more passionately and deeply than a man can ever will, she has a heart which is more accepting and forgiving than that of a man, she holds within her gentle hands the strength to make and break relationships. A mother must teach her daughter that she should be proud of her strength. She should be proud to be born a woman.

2.    Follow her heart:
A mother must let her daughter know that being born a girl child is not the end, but the beginning of an exciting adventure. It is the responsibility of the mother to make her daughter realize that she has the right to choice. She must teach her daughter to listen to her heart. It is very important that a daughter understands that her dreams are not the price at which her brother, father or anybody else achieves theirs. A daughter should know that if she wants to keep someone else happy she should first have discovered the key to her own happiness. A daughter must be taught the importance of sharing, compromising and sacrifice, but she must also learn to prioritize herself every now and then.

3.    Have a voice:
Most women end up being mistreated or misunderstood because they never speak up. A mother must teach her daughter to have a voice. She needs to make her point when she feels she is being wronged or misunderstood. A daughter must be taught that all relationships are based on ‘understanding’. She must know that the secret to understanding anybody is communication. You cannot expect the world to interpret your silence the way you want to. A mother has to teach her daughter to speak up.

A daughter should be able to tell her father what makes her uncomfortable, she should be able to tell her brother she needs space, she must know it is alright for her to tell her male friends what upsets her. She needs to know it is ok to have male friends.

4.    Believe:
A mother must teach her daughter to believe in herself. She must understand it is a wonderful thing to dream and it is alright to believe in her dream. She must understand that impossible is just another word, if she believes in her own strength and potential. She must also know the importance of being different. A daughter must know that being different is not a crime. Teach her to believe in her differences. Teach her to stand out because of the good she is. Teach your daughter that if she believes in herself, people will believe in her. Teach her to never stop believing in herself and do everything with full conviction even if there is a lot of pressure.

5.    Stand Up:
A mother must teach her daughter to stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. The recent case of Nigella Lawson getting manhandled by her husband at a restaurant made headlines. Domestic abuse is very common in almost every part of the world and is not limited to only poor and illiterate women. Some of the most famous, richest and successful women have faced domestic abuse. Around 70% women in India are victims of domestic violence. It’s time to say NO to domestic abuse and stand up for your rights. Teach a daughter to never ever tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone. She must raise a voice against domestic abuse.

The world is not a bad place. It just seems sometimes seems that way. A mother must let her daughter know that she has to deal with the good and the bad. She must fight her battles. A daughter must know that her mother will always be there for her. 

The Unconventional Bahu

Yesterday I met a friend who got married last year. She used to be a healthy happy go lucky kind of girl but now she’s looking pale and has lost a lot of weight. When I asked the reason for her deteriorating health she blamed her in laws saying she’s finding it hard to adjust with her traditional in-laws. Apart from doing a full time job, her in-laws expect her to do all the household chores like cooking, cleaning etc. It has become very difficult for her to maintain the balance between her job and home resulting in her fading health and now she’s forcing her husband to take a job in some other city where she can live her life the way she wants without the interference of her in-laws.

The Typical Bahu

Though we are living in 21st century Indian society is still very backward when it comes to choosing a good daughter in-law. An ideal daughter in-law is someone who will take care of everything at home and will do everything it takes to make her husband and his family happy without thinking about her own goals and happiness. In-laws always want their daughter-in-laws to be perfect home-makers so they can boast in society about how they have the “best bahu”. They expect their daughter-in-law to cook delicious food, wear traditional clothes whenever somebody comes calling, wear a mangalsutra and not forget sindoor,  lest she ceases to look like a married woman! Most in-laws tend to treat the jobs of the daughter-in-laws as an add-on. The daughter-in-laws job more often than not has the least priority. If there are no visitors, the kids have been fed and the lunch has been cooked, the daughter-in-law can go to work. If there are unexpected visitors, she might as well call in sick or use some other excuse to get a leave.

The scene today
It is the 21st Century. Mothers don’t stand over the shoulder of their seven year old daughters and instruct them on how to cook, just so that once she goes to ‘apne ghar’ she knows how to win hearts with her culinary skills. She is not taught how to sew a button on a man’s shirt and how to do elegant embroidery. It does not matter whether or not the daughter can make the perfect chai-samosa combination. What matters is that the daughter is educated.

Parents struggle to give their girl child the best of education. She grows up learning to be independent. She studies hard not because she wants to be known as Mrs. Someone or Sharmaji ki Bahu.  She puts in an effort so that she makes her parents proud and carves herself an independent identity in this competitive world.

With so much to do where will she find the time to be the traditional Bahu?

What women really want from their marriage
Women don’t want to marry a custom or tradition. Women want to be married to a human being and his family. They want to be accepted, acknowledged and respected for who they are. They want their strengths to be appreciated and their desires to be understood.

It is a myth that modern daughter-in-laws are averse to compromises. Just because a woman is modern in her thoughts, attitude and dressing does not mean she has taken leave of her senses or traded in her heart. A woman understands that every relationship is a balance of give and take. She understands that to win some she will have to lose some. To that extent every woman is willing to adapt and compromise.

Every woman’s ‘new family’ needs to understand the challenge of adapting to a new lifestyle. In-laws need to make changes of their own to make space for a new member of the family. Traditions and customs were created by man to make life a celebration. It’s time to tweak them and change them to keep the mood happy.

When you marry your son, remember you are not getting a puppy home. You are getting a woman. You can’t scold her or beat her into obeying you. You can’t train her. What you can do is love her and respect her. Give her the freedom to be herself and she might just open doors you never knew existed.

Western Influences On Indian Mindsets

Visualize a modern day young Indian woman.

What do you see?

Probably a lady dressed in a shirt, trousers and sunglasses, headed out to work at her MNC office. No?

Well maybe a young woman dressed in a gown for a masquerade party. No?

Wait maybe a lazy woman, sitting at her home, dressed in cool knickers, gorging on an ordered Pizza?

A common thread connecting these Indian ladies is that they’re Indian by origin and Western by influence. The ‘how’ of the influence is quite evident. From head to toe, from day to night, the attitude, the body language, all speak the language of the West. Dress code, language of communication, lifestyle, food, dance, everything and anything has been coloured in the hues and shades of the West.  

The question that pops up here is: Why is there a Western influence at all on young Indian women?

At the time India was colonized by the British, the society and culture were much different from what they are, today. The young Indian female, in particular had a totally different social status. The Western wave brought winds of change and over time, the influence passed on. And among others, the young Indian woman got much more independent.

Pros and Cons of the Society:
The society was a gender-biased and partial one. Social evils like the Sati practice prevailed. Widowed women were looked down upon as people who carried bad luck. The Dowry system, as it still does today, led to women being hassled for more money in their husbands’ homes. Cases of the bride being burnt alive are reported to this day. The woman of the house assisting the man in earning the daily bread and butter, wasn’t considered appropriate.

When a class of people is repressed too much, the rebellion comes back with greater force.

The freedom-starved Indian woman craved for all the freedom and luxuries the Western woman had. With time, as she got the right opportunities, she flourished under the influence and rose up to come face her counterpart and share much deserved, equal status with him. 

The Western society being a liberal one, held much attraction for the young Indian woman. Globalization, Liberalization, Intermingling of different backgrounds and cultures have as much of a positive impact as a negative one.

The young Indian woman of the moment is an individual aware of her rights and duties, a being financially and morally independent, someone who can raise her voice when wronged.
And it is nothing that a woman should not be!

Somewhere because of misinterpretation of the culture and heritage of such a progressive country of the past, the values got lost when imposed in an immoral way.

The loss has occurred. But there’s still chance to learn. If the Indian woman had to look westwards for inspiration, the society can be reconstructed in a manner than India becomes the new West and sets even higher standards of individual living.

After all, ours is the country where Shakti is worshiped as the source of all power. Correct interpretation and reimplementation of the old values of the Indian culture can build a society unparalleled, like it once was.