A Sexually Abused Society

                                                                     

A Sexually Abused Society

No matter how hard the society of India tries to sweep the serious issue of sexual violence on women under the carpet, the alarming rate of increase of such cases is indicative of the fact that something is seriously amiss here. We are typically a male-dominated society, and it isn’t uncommon for stories of gruesome violence against women loom large in media almost every day. The angry outrageous mobs hold rallies, try campaigning, and even engage in shrill slogan hurling, but the very next day another woman is sexually abused. 

So has anybody ever wondered what’s actually wrong with our society?  Why are the men so hell-bent on exploiting women sexually?  

‘Sex’ clad in enigma

The roots of this problem lie in the way Indian society treats the question or subject-matter of sex. Our society has created a far reaching mantle of enigma around sex and it is often considered a ‘hush-hush’ affair. The society puts a restriction on discussing sex in public; till date sex education has not found a place into the school syllabus in the remote parts of India. 

The question here is that when ‘Sex’ is the biological need of every man and woman, just like any other biological needs like hunger, thirst, respiration etc, why should there be so much enigma surrounding the subject-matter that makes people so inquisitive about trying to find out more? 

Until and unless this enigma is brushed aside, sexual crimes won’t reduce because males psychologically would want to explore the enigma by ravishing the woman’s body; with or without her consent. And it’s really strange why India keeps the subject of sex clad in enigmas, because if you take a look at the erotic sculptures in temples like Khajuraho or Konark or read Vatsyayana’s Kamasutra, you would think that this country should have had a much progressive and open outlook towards ‘Sex’.

Indian Society empowers men with the decision-making power in sexual intercourse

Our society with its patriarchal setup always keeps the man on the top, while woman is expected to show complete obeisance to the man. In the familial setup too, the wife has to suffer the same tyranny of patriarchy where she has to silently serve the husband. Sexual intercourse, which should have been a matter of mutual love-filled intimate session between a husband and wife, is not always so between most Indian couples. There too the man has all the power to take the decision regarding the intercourse and his wife has no option but to go along or else their marital life may be at stake. What empowers the man is none other than his upbringing in this patriarchal society. 

A look at some statistical figures

Roughly 60% of women in the urban region indulge in sex just to finish it off, or simply because their husbands want it. However, in rural India, this percentage may go up to 70%-80%. 

This statistics is alarming because it shows how the women of our country are losing interest in ‘sex’. 

Probably most never had any interest in sex at all, because for them it never was something from which they could derive pleasure, but yet another way to serve their husbands. 

As for as the urban women are concerned, the reason for this decline in female libido of the married women is probably the way husbands continue to trample their individuality day after day and asserting their own supremacy over them, whether in the sexual life or even beyond it.

Is our society sexually abused?

It wouldn’t be wrong to say that the Indian society is a sexually abused one - perverted males feel they can rape women on streets and husbands feel comfortable raping their wives within the four walls of a bedroom. 

The only difference here is that you can expect the media to hype cases where the rapist was accused, for the helpless wife merely wreathes in pain and sobs silently, but cannot share her misery with anyone because that’ll bring disgrace to her own family, her own husband. 

Is it time our society changed its outlook towards SEX and accepts it for what it really should be – an act of pleasure where both individuals engaged are equal participants in mind, body and soul?

The 'Rape Capital' dissected

It is not an unheard fact that the National Capital of India also stands ashamedly as the Rape Capital.

The factors leading to a rape are not restricted to a particular rationality. What is common is the vicious and horrible mentality that exists in men everywhere; be it Delhi, Punjab, Rajasthan, or even in countries abroad. But recent examples have brought much notoriety to the capital city and exposed that Delhi today is definitely the most unsafe city for women in India.

Out of all the crimes in the city, rapes account for a shocking 15%!
393 rape cases in the first three months of the year, 2013- Shocking news!

This averages out to be over 4 rape cases a day in the city.

Rapes have no parallel to other crimes. It shatters a girl mentally, emotionally and physically. Condescending attitude from the society and physical wounds apart, the ugly impact that a rape victim’s mind suffers from being beyond the description of words.

                          The question that arises is, out of all places- Why Delhi?

                          Why is the nation’s capital the center of a crime like rape?

Considering the government pays more attention to the capital city, what could be the factors possibly that make Delhi the Rape capital.

The most undeniable and obvious factor responsible for a rape is the thinking and mentality of the rapist. Why then, an educated city like Delhi stands at the stage of crime that arises from such a lowly mentality?

Delhi is a city of different cultures. People from all over India, belonging to different strata reside here. The very rich, the very poor, people from different religions, difficult familial and educational backgrounds, all kinds exist in the capital. This vast disparity leads to the ultra-‘modern’ facing the conventional.

 The convention, in this case is conventional enough to clothe a woman they feel is indecently dressed but not to shun thoughts like possessing her sexually by force.

Other factors that make Delhi the rape capital include the way the city has been designed. Delhi is so designed that certain large areas are not directly connected to public transport and one often has to walk distances after and before taking public transport.

There are areas poorly connected and there are others that are much more secluded. 

Also, the policing and law enforcement in Delhi needs to get stricter!

Needless to say, there’s an urgent and dire need for Delhi’s status to change from the ‘Rape Capital’. To bring about such a change, law and order needs to be ensured. A change in mentality is a primary solution; but a slow one. If the rod works quicker, then the Police and Law need to resort to it to create a threat full image of punishment to rapists. Public transport especially for women needs to reach out to deeper areas. There should be check posts established in secluded areas so the police always keep a watch, closely.

Over and above all of these, the very basic factor that requires a change is the mindset!

One may try to keep the environment safe and one that prevents rapes, but the ugly root set in the mind of the rapist needs to be pulled off and strangled to death. The education of this type begins at home. Respect for women makes deep impressions on a child’s mind and such values are imbibed right from the start.

For those already under the clutches of the mentality of a rapist, rehabilitation centers, meditation can try to do the needful.

Are Women More Mature Than Men?

‘Maturity’ is a very relative term. While one might think cracking jokes on farting men and burping women is hilarious to others it might seem immature and crass. While some think growing up is all about rules, regulations and setting examples others consider it a chance to retain the child within.

In the larger context of society, however, maturity is linked to a certain responsible behavior which lets people co-exist peacefully. It is a thought which exercises restraint in order to make space for another individual to create a little room for himself or herself.

The gender debate on whether women are more mature than men has been going on since forever, and knowing the gender-politics tendencies, it is not hard to predict that it will go on for a very long time.

Coming straight on to what scientific studies have to say (though the ‘maturity’ gene never was found!) – The scales do tilt in favor of the fairer sex. Different studies average onto values – that women generally mature around the age of 32 and men around 43.

While biology supports that fact, that sexually girls grown 2 years before a boy her age does, it gets difficult to place a finger on one scale with full conviction for terms best left to personal interpretation-like maturity. But on research, based on opinions of men and women, both women and men agree that women mature faster than men, in majority.

It hardly is a surprise then, that a lot of women prefer dating older men. The reason is simple: older men are more of a match for their maturity than men their age. There are a lot many examples to quote of the typical ‘cradle-snatcher’, as the man involved in such relationships was known some time back. Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have a shocking 60 year age difference between them. There’s Cary Grant and Barbara Harris-47 year difference, JD Salinger and his wife- 40 years; Clint Eastwood, Woody Allen, Eric Clapton, Frank Sinatra are other famous names in the older-man list.

Women, as is a known fact, are stability-seekers. And usually, men their age cannot provide that kind of stability- both emotionally and financially. Men in the latter part of their lives have grown stable with their years and this attracts women to them. Also, they’re more sensitive and experienced in bed and know how to please a woman. Another reason for the rising number of this kind of relationships is that women claim they can have more intellectually stimulating conversations with older men.

The direct impact of the woman being more mature than the man is on the relationships they’re involved with. Because women believe they’re more mature and men easily agree on it too, gleeful to play the Cricket-lover, lazy, dirty lad always, in most romantic relationships, women tend to take charge and become the ‘mommy’ of the relationships. The dominating mother like attitude can become imposing and can lead to conflicts.

A woman’s maturity in a marriage can also bring about stability to their lives. Boys will be boys always, they say. Maybe nature has its plan in mind and it has designed humans purposely this way.

    Maybe man needs to be guided around by a woman his age, but more mature than him…!!

It would be unfair to not mention though that maturity does largely depend from individual to individual. And stereotyping on the basis of gender does not make complete sense.

Why More Indian Women Should Wear Heels

As Indians, we are always blamed for aping the west. If we choose trousers over the ethnic churidars, it is a western influence, if we opt for a chic handbag instead of the Jholas  we are influenced by the west, if we like pasta over pav bhaji  it is the fault of the west! It is almost as if being Indian is a test. You will have an influx of global brands setting up awesome showrooms across the malls of the nation, but you are not allowed to buy the wares because .. wait.. you are getting enamored by the west! Resist the temptation. Flock to the street vendors who are selling the desi  wares because therein lies your true Indian spirit.

For a woman it just gets worse. We get lessons on culture every time we shimmy into a dress which makes us feel good. I remember being lectured by a maternal aunt on how Indian bodies are not designed to wear western clothes.  How I would look much prettier if I traded in my black cowl neck for a beaded Kurti!  My body. My Choice. While seven out of ten times I might feel inclined to dress to impress people. Ten out ten times I dress up because it makes me feel good about myself, makes me confident of who I am and for those moments I really feel beautiful. I do not care whether my dressing is eastern or western or south Indian. 

Ditto for shoes! I don’t own forty pairs of shoes because Carrie Bradshaw owned them in SATC. I own them because I want to. Ridiculously enough an Indian woman’s want or craving for shoes is also often blamed on a western influence. I can’t imagine wearing mojris  or Kolhapuris  for the rest of my life! And it is not just about fashion or style. 

Heels Inspire Confidence
It is not just a woman’s excuse to want to own heels – heels actually give you confidence. In a patriarchal society like India, where the testosterone levels are on a forever high, a woman needs that little bit of extra boost to hold her head high.

Have you ever tried to walk into a room filled with men, clicking you smart heels in confidence? Eight out of ten with ‘look up’ out of sheer curiosity and at least four will take notice of what you have to say? Why?

Because men are primal. Their animal instincts make them associate height with power. So before the rational or logical part of their brain kicks in, a tall woman equates to a powerful woman in their brains. And as far as first impressions go, this is one impression which will definitely work in your favor.

Heels are your secret
Heels talk. And I am not just saying this out of some misguided love for high heels. Heels help you make your own personal statement. They help you express your feelings towards the situation you are walking into.

For a lot of women, it is their shoes who carry their secrets at the butt of their heels and the tip of their toes. Wear your secrets. Share your own private joke. Those toe pinching heels which dig into the back of your foot? They will tell you how nervous you are about the meeting, while the people present see a tall, confident woman walk into the room.

The slightly taller heels which make your legs look longer and your posture smarter? They will assure you that you are wearing them to impress the guy you have a crush on. You want him to take notice.

In a society loaded with taboos, having heels is like having a best friend. You can’t talk about how you feel because it is indecent to be verbose about your feelings but heels help you walk your mood.

In a time and age in this nation when women have the illusion of freedom, but not the right to enjoy it, when women are shown the path to equality  but are still paying the price to walk down that path, heels are the companions who will not only help you click your way in style, but make sure you get noticed every step of the way!

5 Things Every Mother Must Teach Her Daughter

A mother is the first individual a daughter idolizes. As a toddler she wants to do everything that ‘mommy’ does. She wants to wear the same clothes, eat the same things, say the same words- in short as she is growing up every daughter wants to be her mother. 

As the days fade into years, a mother becomes her daughter’s friend, mentor, guide and teacher. This is a huge responsibility for a mother. She must teach her daughter all the right things. The list is long and endless. And most certainly the teaching never stops. But at the top of the list is one important lesson – It does not matter that you were not born a son. You were born an individual. And as long as there is life do things which make you feel proud of who you are.

“Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.”  ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

There are 5 things every mother must absolutely teach her daughter:

1.    Pride:
A mother must teach her daughter to be proud. She must share with her daughter the joy of being a woman. She must tell her daughter that being a woman is a wonderful experience. It entitles her to memories a man can never have. She can feel more passionately and deeply than a man can ever will, she has a heart which is more accepting and forgiving than that of a man, she holds within her gentle hands the strength to make and break relationships. A mother must teach her daughter that she should be proud of her strength. She should be proud to be born a woman.

2.    Follow her heart:
A mother must let her daughter know that being born a girl child is not the end, but the beginning of an exciting adventure. It is the responsibility of the mother to make her daughter realize that she has the right to choice. She must teach her daughter to listen to her heart. It is very important that a daughter understands that her dreams are not the price at which her brother, father or anybody else achieves theirs. A daughter should know that if she wants to keep someone else happy she should first have discovered the key to her own happiness. A daughter must be taught the importance of sharing, compromising and sacrifice, but she must also learn to prioritize herself every now and then.

3.    Have a voice:
Most women end up being mistreated or misunderstood because they never speak up. A mother must teach her daughter to have a voice. She needs to make her point when she feels she is being wronged or misunderstood. A daughter must be taught that all relationships are based on ‘understanding’. She must know that the secret to understanding anybody is communication. You cannot expect the world to interpret your silence the way you want to. A mother has to teach her daughter to speak up.

A daughter should be able to tell her father what makes her uncomfortable, she should be able to tell her brother she needs space, she must know it is alright for her to tell her male friends what upsets her. She needs to know it is ok to have male friends.

4.    Believe:
A mother must teach her daughter to believe in herself. She must understand it is a wonderful thing to dream and it is alright to believe in her dream. She must understand that impossible is just another word, if she believes in her own strength and potential. She must also know the importance of being different. A daughter must know that being different is not a crime. Teach her to believe in her differences. Teach her to stand out because of the good she is. Teach your daughter that if she believes in herself, people will believe in her. Teach her to never stop believing in herself and do everything with full conviction even if there is a lot of pressure.

5.    Stand Up:
A mother must teach her daughter to stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. The recent case of Nigella Lawson getting manhandled by her husband at a restaurant made headlines. Domestic abuse is very common in almost every part of the world and is not limited to only poor and illiterate women. Some of the most famous, richest and successful women have faced domestic abuse. Around 70% women in India are victims of domestic violence. It’s time to say NO to domestic abuse and stand up for your rights. Teach a daughter to never ever tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone. She must raise a voice against domestic abuse.

The world is not a bad place. It just seems sometimes seems that way. A mother must let her daughter know that she has to deal with the good and the bad. She must fight her battles. A daughter must know that her mother will always be there for her. 

Stalking - the mental form of rape

“But I didn’t touch her, so how is that rape?” “I was simply following her around for fun, I never laid a finger on her” … The people uttering such asinine sentences are the ones who are blissfully ignorant of the fact that there are things far worse than physical rape that they can do by ‘simply following her around.’ The mental form of rape, or stalking a woman, can have serious consequences on her psyche. The harm is not simply physical but psychological in this case, wherein the effects of the trauma of being stalked may manifest themselves at any point in life.

Stalking is a form of harassment where the victim, usually a female, is subjected to unwanted contact from her stalker in ways like following her, driving past her, leaving her threatening messages, repeated phone calls etc. What is surprising is that a majority of victims know their stalkers. In most cases, the stalkers are ex-boyfriends or men that the victim rejected- a fact that ruins their notion of ‘manliness’, which they then try to assert through tactics of domination. 

The psychological effects of being stalked can be alarming. The fact that stalkers often resort to violent behavior and threatening approaches can wreak havoc with a woman’s peace of mind. Victims of stalking are often victims of depression, nightmares, self-harm and suicide attempts as well. What makes it worse for the victim is the administration and even family members who often dismiss cases of stalking as ‘just boys having some fun’, following, of course, the logic of ‘no rape so no problem.’  A certain police officer even told a victim to go home and be ‘flattered’ with the attention she is receiving. What these people very conveniently forget to take into account is the mental well being of the girl in question.

Take, for example, the case of the thirteen year old girl Shabnoor in UP who committed suicide after she could no longer bear repeated stalking and sexual harassment by her neighbor. Or that of Ashely McCann in USA who talks about the fear and illness she experienced while being stalked by her ex-boyfriend for over one month. Or of the twenty one year old man in Britain who stalked a minor for five months before being arrested finally. Or the seventeen year old South Delhi girl who lapsed into depression after being stalked for over four months by a stranger. Stalking of women happens all over the world, irrespective of their religion, caste, creed or social status.

The need of the hour is to raise awareness about the fact that rape is more than just a physical crime. The mental rape of a woman by stalking her, passing lewd comments, mentally undressing her with your eyes or trying to make unwanted contact is no less reprehensible and disgusting. While some stalkers go unpunished by pleading mental illness and psychological disorders, many others roam scot-free because the laws on stalking are not strong enough. Remember, just because there is sexual intercourse being forced doesn’t mean that mental rape is not happening continuously.