The Broken Mirror

                                                                        

In an Indian social set up families rejoice when a son is born while lament when a daughter is born. But every woman, at the bottom of her heart craves for a daughter no matter how many sons she has mothered. There goes a saying that daughters can be a mother’s best friend and vice versa. So is that the reason why women crave to have a daughter they can call their own? There are many layers to this psychographic. 

Actually, most women in India have at some point of time in their life been subject to oppression, suppression, physical, mental or emotional tortures; be it in their father’s house or in their in-law’s house. Women are often asked to stand aside no matter how talented they are and yield place to the men of the house. When they become mothers, they wish for a daughter who would grow up to be like them but will not compromise with her dreams as they did.

Daughter: Reflection of or Reaction to the mother

A daughter, by virtue of her sex, tries to imitate the mother more than the father. She tries to be more like her mother, trying to emulate the way her mother dresses up, the way she talks, the way she walks and more. When the daughter starts growing up, her mother’s beauty and femininity and the way she behaves seem quite interesting to her, and she tries to be like the mother by learning the same and following in her mother’s footsteps. In that way, from the very childhood the daughter becomes a reflection of the mother. 

Every mother tries her best to bring up a daughter who is responsible and confident, so that her own unfulfilled hopes and aspirations can be fulfilled through her daughter. However, if the mother goes through bad times; i.e. she is tortured, beaten up by her in-laws and husband or is struggling for money, that too has an impact on the daughter. She becomes aggressive towards the men of the society in general and acquires a cynical or non-conformist attitude towards life. In that way she again becomes a reaction to what’s going on in her mother’s life.

Mother should be an example to her daughter

Most mothers don’t even realize that their daughters have turned into their reflection. ‘Reflection’ means a mirror-image, which implies that their daughters lack an individuality of their own. It is important for mothers to instil their values and character believes in their daughters, but it is equally important to give enough scope for the individuality of the daughter to amplify as well. 

It is in fact the mother’s responsibility to not just teach the daughter a way of life but inculcate and lead by example the life she wishes for her daughter. Only then will the daughter be motivated enough to follow her instructions, implement, and judge by herself what’s good and what’s bad by seeing a practical example. This will help hone her individuality and will also ensure that she takes the best of her mother’s traits, while tries to develop a unique character of her own with confidence. 

Few Blunders that mother commit to make their daughters a ‘broken mirror’:

If mothers have been going through hardships and tortures, the first impact of all these come on the daughter. This is because most women psychologically feel that their daughters could be their confidante; she too will grow up to be a woman one day. Some women start sharing all the experiences of their trauma with their daughter even when she is too young to understand it all. In other words, mothers tend to burden their daughters with the trauma of their experiences from a very young age, something that can scar the tender mind of a child for a lifetime.

Many a times when the daughter starts growing up, instead of befriending her, the mother starts seeking a consoler in her. This is because most Indian women have an emotional vacuum in their life, a loneliness which they are desperate to brush aside. Most of the time they cross the thin line between a ‘friend’ and a ‘consoler’ and look for to their daughters to become their crying shoulder.

All the bad experiences that the mother shares with her daughter have a negative impact on her psychology and on her innocence. Therefore, it is very important that a mother understands that while she has a friend in her daughter, she still is her child’s first teacher and first guide. It is very important to choose carefully what you share with your daughter, and the way you put forth a certain situation in front of her. After all, do you really want your daughter, who is trying to be your mirror image, to starts reflecting your traumas in the form of a ‘Broken Mirror’?

5 Things Every Mother Must Teach Her Daughter

A mother is the first individual a daughter idolizes. As a toddler she wants to do everything that ‘mommy’ does. She wants to wear the same clothes, eat the same things, say the same words- in short as she is growing up every daughter wants to be her mother. 

As the days fade into years, a mother becomes her daughter’s friend, mentor, guide and teacher. This is a huge responsibility for a mother. She must teach her daughter all the right things. The list is long and endless. And most certainly the teaching never stops. But at the top of the list is one important lesson – It does not matter that you were not born a son. You were born an individual. And as long as there is life do things which make you feel proud of who you are.

“Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.”  ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul

There are 5 things every mother must absolutely teach her daughter:

1.    Pride:
A mother must teach her daughter to be proud. She must share with her daughter the joy of being a woman. She must tell her daughter that being a woman is a wonderful experience. It entitles her to memories a man can never have. She can feel more passionately and deeply than a man can ever will, she has a heart which is more accepting and forgiving than that of a man, she holds within her gentle hands the strength to make and break relationships. A mother must teach her daughter that she should be proud of her strength. She should be proud to be born a woman.

2.    Follow her heart:
A mother must let her daughter know that being born a girl child is not the end, but the beginning of an exciting adventure. It is the responsibility of the mother to make her daughter realize that she has the right to choice. She must teach her daughter to listen to her heart. It is very important that a daughter understands that her dreams are not the price at which her brother, father or anybody else achieves theirs. A daughter should know that if she wants to keep someone else happy she should first have discovered the key to her own happiness. A daughter must be taught the importance of sharing, compromising and sacrifice, but she must also learn to prioritize herself every now and then.

3.    Have a voice:
Most women end up being mistreated or misunderstood because they never speak up. A mother must teach her daughter to have a voice. She needs to make her point when she feels she is being wronged or misunderstood. A daughter must be taught that all relationships are based on ‘understanding’. She must know that the secret to understanding anybody is communication. You cannot expect the world to interpret your silence the way you want to. A mother has to teach her daughter to speak up.

A daughter should be able to tell her father what makes her uncomfortable, she should be able to tell her brother she needs space, she must know it is alright for her to tell her male friends what upsets her. She needs to know it is ok to have male friends.

4.    Believe:
A mother must teach her daughter to believe in herself. She must understand it is a wonderful thing to dream and it is alright to believe in her dream. She must understand that impossible is just another word, if she believes in her own strength and potential. She must also know the importance of being different. A daughter must know that being different is not a crime. Teach her to believe in her differences. Teach her to stand out because of the good she is. Teach your daughter that if she believes in herself, people will believe in her. Teach her to never stop believing in herself and do everything with full conviction even if there is a lot of pressure.

5.    Stand Up:
A mother must teach her daughter to stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. The recent case of Nigella Lawson getting manhandled by her husband at a restaurant made headlines. Domestic abuse is very common in almost every part of the world and is not limited to only poor and illiterate women. Some of the most famous, richest and successful women have faced domestic abuse. Around 70% women in India are victims of domestic violence. It’s time to say NO to domestic abuse and stand up for your rights. Teach a daughter to never ever tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone. She must raise a voice against domestic abuse.

The world is not a bad place. It just seems sometimes seems that way. A mother must let her daughter know that she has to deal with the good and the bad. She must fight her battles. A daughter must know that her mother will always be there for her. 

The Unconventional Bahu

Yesterday I met a friend who got married last year. She used to be a healthy happy go lucky kind of girl but now she’s looking pale and has lost a lot of weight. When I asked the reason for her deteriorating health she blamed her in laws saying she’s finding it hard to adjust with her traditional in-laws. Apart from doing a full time job, her in-laws expect her to do all the household chores like cooking, cleaning etc. It has become very difficult for her to maintain the balance between her job and home resulting in her fading health and now she’s forcing her husband to take a job in some other city where she can live her life the way she wants without the interference of her in-laws.

The Typical Bahu

Though we are living in 21st century Indian society is still very backward when it comes to choosing a good daughter in-law. An ideal daughter in-law is someone who will take care of everything at home and will do everything it takes to make her husband and his family happy without thinking about her own goals and happiness. In-laws always want their daughter-in-laws to be perfect home-makers so they can boast in society about how they have the “best bahu”. They expect their daughter-in-law to cook delicious food, wear traditional clothes whenever somebody comes calling, wear a mangalsutra and not forget sindoor,  lest she ceases to look like a married woman! Most in-laws tend to treat the jobs of the daughter-in-laws as an add-on. The daughter-in-laws job more often than not has the least priority. If there are no visitors, the kids have been fed and the lunch has been cooked, the daughter-in-law can go to work. If there are unexpected visitors, she might as well call in sick or use some other excuse to get a leave.

The scene today
It is the 21st Century. Mothers don’t stand over the shoulder of their seven year old daughters and instruct them on how to cook, just so that once she goes to ‘apne ghar’ she knows how to win hearts with her culinary skills. She is not taught how to sew a button on a man’s shirt and how to do elegant embroidery. It does not matter whether or not the daughter can make the perfect chai-samosa combination. What matters is that the daughter is educated.

Parents struggle to give their girl child the best of education. She grows up learning to be independent. She studies hard not because she wants to be known as Mrs. Someone or Sharmaji ki Bahu.  She puts in an effort so that she makes her parents proud and carves herself an independent identity in this competitive world.

With so much to do where will she find the time to be the traditional Bahu?

What women really want from their marriage
Women don’t want to marry a custom or tradition. Women want to be married to a human being and his family. They want to be accepted, acknowledged and respected for who they are. They want their strengths to be appreciated and their desires to be understood.

It is a myth that modern daughter-in-laws are averse to compromises. Just because a woman is modern in her thoughts, attitude and dressing does not mean she has taken leave of her senses or traded in her heart. A woman understands that every relationship is a balance of give and take. She understands that to win some she will have to lose some. To that extent every woman is willing to adapt and compromise.

Every woman’s ‘new family’ needs to understand the challenge of adapting to a new lifestyle. In-laws need to make changes of their own to make space for a new member of the family. Traditions and customs were created by man to make life a celebration. It’s time to tweak them and change them to keep the mood happy.

When you marry your son, remember you are not getting a puppy home. You are getting a woman. You can’t scold her or beat her into obeying you. You can’t train her. What you can do is love her and respect her. Give her the freedom to be herself and she might just open doors you never knew existed.