Yesterday I met a friend who got married last year. She used to be a healthy happy go lucky kind of girl but now she’s looking pale and has lost a lot of weight. When I asked the reason for her deteriorating health she blamed her in laws saying she’s finding it hard to adjust with her traditional in-laws. Apart from doing a full time job, her in-laws expect her to do all the household chores like cooking, cleaning etc. It has become very difficult for her to maintain the balance between her job and home resulting in her fading health and now she’s forcing her husband to take a job in some other city where she can live her life the way she wants without the interference of her in-laws.
The Typical Bahu
Though we are living in 21st century Indian society is still very backward when it comes to choosing a good daughter in-law. An ideal daughter in-law is someone who will take care of everything at home and will do everything it takes to make her husband and his family happy without thinking about her own goals and happiness. In-laws always want their daughter-in-laws to be perfect home-makers so they can boast in society about how they have the “best bahu”. They expect their daughter-in-law to cook delicious food, wear traditional clothes whenever somebody comes calling, wear a mangalsutra and not forget sindoor, lest she ceases to look like a married woman! Most in-laws tend to treat the jobs of the daughter-in-laws as an add-on. The daughter-in-laws job more often than not has the least priority. If there are no visitors, the kids have been fed and the lunch has been cooked, the daughter-in-law can go to work. If there are unexpected visitors, she might as well call in sick or use some other excuse to get a leave.
The scene today
It is the 21st Century. Mothers don’t stand over the shoulder of their seven year old daughters and instruct them on how to cook, just so that once she goes to ‘apne ghar’ she knows how to win hearts with her culinary skills. She is not taught how to sew a button on a man’s shirt and how to do elegant embroidery. It does not matter whether or not the daughter can make the perfect chai-samosa combination. What matters is that the daughter is educated.
Parents struggle to give their girl child the best of education. She grows up learning to be independent. She studies hard not because she wants to be known as Mrs. Someone or Sharmaji ki Bahu. She puts in an effort so that she makes her parents proud and carves herself an independent identity in this competitive world.
With so much to do where will she find the time to be the traditional Bahu?
What women really want from their marriage
Women don’t want to marry a custom or tradition. Women want to be married to a human being and his family. They want to be accepted, acknowledged and respected for who they are. They want their strengths to be appreciated and their desires to be understood.
It is a myth that modern daughter-in-laws are averse to compromises. Just because a woman is modern in her thoughts, attitude and dressing does not mean she has taken leave of her senses or traded in her heart. A woman understands that every relationship is a balance of give and take. She understands that to win some she will have to lose some. To that extent every woman is willing to adapt and compromise.
Every woman’s ‘new family’ needs to understand the challenge of adapting to a new lifestyle. In-laws need to make changes of their own to make space for a new member of the family. Traditions and customs were created by man to make life a celebration. It’s time to tweak them and change them to keep the mood happy.
When you marry your son, remember you are not getting a puppy home. You are getting a woman. You can’t scold her or beat her into obeying you. You can’t train her. What you can do is love her and respect her. Give her the freedom to be herself and she might just open doors you never knew existed.
Awesome..
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