Slut Walk Revisited

“We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.”

If you have been as involved or as in clue with what the women in India have been up to this past six months or more, this statement would have made its way to you much before than now. Inspired by the parent concept which originated early July in Canada, at the end of July 2011 women in Delhi organized the infamous Slut Walk  to protest against the daily violence, especially the ones of a sexual nature, against women in India. 

2011. Not 2012 when the case of Damini shocked the entire nation into first silence then aggressive action. Not 2013 when the embers of similar rape cases flamed the fires of a discontented female section of one of the largest populations. As early as 2011. Women have been vicimtized for eons and women have been trying to get your attention to make a point time and again. Sit up and take notice.

Why are women sluts?
As bold and shocking as this might sound, there are multiple reasons why women are branded as ‘sluts’:

-    She does not fear talking to men. She does not mind having an occasional male friend over. She openly confesses her need to be admired and appreciated.
-    She loves her body and she loves to pamper it. She dresses in clothes which make her look good. She is a slut because she according to the general male population is dressing to catch attention. She wants to be laid. Why should a woman dress up otherwise?
-    She enjoys having sex as her male counterpart. Why is it so criminal for a woman to enjoy having sex? Why is sex supposed to be pleasurable only for the Indian Male? Why is sex restricted only as a means to an heir for the woman?

What was the Slut Walk all about?
In all honesty it was about eve-teasing. It was about taking sexual harassment against women seriously – by the Government and by the rest of the people in this country.

It was about letting the Nation know that rape is not the only form of sexual harassment. Rape is sexual harassment at one extreme. Casually passing lewd remarks about a girl’s body, even for fun, is sexual harassment. Women and their bodies are not tools of entertainment for the males. You want a good laugh? Take a good look into the mirror. You will find enough to crack up about.

Sexual harassment is wreaking havoc with the woman’s mind. It is more about the psychological damage it causes as opposed to the physical wounds we see as proof.  Slut Walk was about people standing up against sexual harassment.

What didn’t happen then
Though there were more than 5000 registrations on the FB Page less than 50 people showed up. They were scared of being associated with something as controversial as a Slut Walk.  If I walk down with the parade of the Slut Walk am I branding myself a slut? What will people think of me? What impact will it have on my immediate family? These were a few basic questions running through every woman’s mind. Spouses were not supportive, families even lesser.

“I hope to God I am wrong, but I have visions of men taking photographs of these girls, ogling them, trying to touch them — and not getting the point at all. To be blunt, I don’t think Delhi is ready for this kind of in-your-face protest. Sad, but true,” remarked Christine Pemberton, a 70s feminist living in New Delhi.

Delhi could not understand the irony of using a controversial theme like Slut in a protest.

Times Change
Or so they say. Have we matured in these past years? Have real cases being reported almost every day help us come out of our cocoons? Do we want to stand up and once again try to get people more aware about making space for women?

A part of me believes we have. A part of me wants to believe it so desperately. It would mean that the world is changing. It would mean there is hope.

Invisible Barriers

The Indian woman today lives in a modern world.

She’s allowed to go out. She’s allowed to work and be a part of the economy class.

She doesn’t have to remain a widow all her life if she becomes one.

She’s allowed to speak her mind.

INCOMPLETE REALITY

Enter complete reality! Enter corrections for all of the above statements: 

The Indian woman today lives in a semi-modern world developing to understand a woman. Not developed yet, mind you.

She’s allowed to go out, but before dark. She’s allowed to work; but mostly in an industry the choice of her parents or husband and in-laws. A field considered ‘decent’ by the ‘society’.

She doesn’t have to remain a widow all her life if she becomes one. But once she remarries after her husband’s death, she’s looked down upon.

She’s allowed to speak her mind only as long as it complies with her man’s opinions.

Some years ago, we lived in an India that was male-centric. It would not be exaggeration to state that the Indian female was down-trodden and oppressed. The Indian woman had rights lesser in number and much different from the Indian male’s. The society was patriarchal; still is. And so on and so forth.

Over years, things changed. The Indian woman gained more power. Gradually, she began to step out of the house, to work, for leisure. Unbelievable evil practices of the past like Sati and widows not being allowed to remarry were abolished. In the Indian family, the status of a wife, daughter, and daughter -in- law rose. She got the chance to educate herself and think.  She gained a voice, an opinion. No denying that things did change and for the better.

But, look around your world today.

As an Indian woman, representing the section of Indian females, do you feel you are a free woman? Are there barriers in paths to your growth- spiritual, mental and social?

We may have done away with the seemingly basic restrictions on the Indian woman. But invisible barriers remain, unfortunately. The Indian woman, as has been always, is expected to be gentle, not ‘too-outspoken’, flexible and adjusting.

We, as a society unabashedly boast of the changing society and the shift of rights in the female department. But we claim not to see the invisible barriers holding back the Indian woman. The examples of such invisible barriers are too many to count.

A divorced woman- ‘loose character, not adjusting’

A woman stepping out of her home in the dark- ‘indecent’

A woman with strong, unconventional views - ‘headstrong’

Right from childhood, a girl in India is reared up, inculcating in her a sense of sacrifice. She’s preached lessons of sacrifice and compromise. More than often, the sacrifice is not meant to be one driven by the heart; it is sacrifice driven by duty.

A newly wedded girl is burdened down by her duties of being the home-maker. Regardless of whether she’s working to support the house financially or not, the duties of the house are solely hers. In a fight between the husband and wife, she has to submit. She’s the female after all. And Indian females are reared to adjust always. Invisible barriers of the sort hinder a person’s individual growth. They suppress any growth in her. It’s clipping the wings of a bird who so wants to take flight, some day at some time!

And since this has been going on since years- both the male and female have easily become accustomed to this and accepted this as the way of life. Men have seen males in their family have all the freedom they want; they readily follow. And the females have seen their mothers lead lives of suppressed emotions and dreams and believe that this is the convention to be followed.

Needless to say, there needs to be a change. Invisible barriers are even more dangerous than the basic barriers that have been eliminated because these are barriers many pretend not to see. Those who can see claim there’s a need for such barriers. There may be a need for the barriers, considering an example where women aren’t generally allowed out at night. Definitely, it is for her safety. But isn’t there the need for the society to change that has made it unsafe for her to go out at night?

The truth is that such invisible barriers can be eliminated by none other than the Indian woman herself. These are barriers she can understand best and for her own rights, she must learn to raise her voice!

The Unconventional Bahu

Yesterday I met a friend who got married last year. She used to be a healthy happy go lucky kind of girl but now she’s looking pale and has lost a lot of weight. When I asked the reason for her deteriorating health she blamed her in laws saying she’s finding it hard to adjust with her traditional in-laws. Apart from doing a full time job, her in-laws expect her to do all the household chores like cooking, cleaning etc. It has become very difficult for her to maintain the balance between her job and home resulting in her fading health and now she’s forcing her husband to take a job in some other city where she can live her life the way she wants without the interference of her in-laws.

The Typical Bahu

Though we are living in 21st century Indian society is still very backward when it comes to choosing a good daughter in-law. An ideal daughter in-law is someone who will take care of everything at home and will do everything it takes to make her husband and his family happy without thinking about her own goals and happiness. In-laws always want their daughter-in-laws to be perfect home-makers so they can boast in society about how they have the “best bahu”. They expect their daughter-in-law to cook delicious food, wear traditional clothes whenever somebody comes calling, wear a mangalsutra and not forget sindoor,  lest she ceases to look like a married woman! Most in-laws tend to treat the jobs of the daughter-in-laws as an add-on. The daughter-in-laws job more often than not has the least priority. If there are no visitors, the kids have been fed and the lunch has been cooked, the daughter-in-law can go to work. If there are unexpected visitors, she might as well call in sick or use some other excuse to get a leave.

The scene today
It is the 21st Century. Mothers don’t stand over the shoulder of their seven year old daughters and instruct them on how to cook, just so that once she goes to ‘apne ghar’ she knows how to win hearts with her culinary skills. She is not taught how to sew a button on a man’s shirt and how to do elegant embroidery. It does not matter whether or not the daughter can make the perfect chai-samosa combination. What matters is that the daughter is educated.

Parents struggle to give their girl child the best of education. She grows up learning to be independent. She studies hard not because she wants to be known as Mrs. Someone or Sharmaji ki Bahu.  She puts in an effort so that she makes her parents proud and carves herself an independent identity in this competitive world.

With so much to do where will she find the time to be the traditional Bahu?

What women really want from their marriage
Women don’t want to marry a custom or tradition. Women want to be married to a human being and his family. They want to be accepted, acknowledged and respected for who they are. They want their strengths to be appreciated and their desires to be understood.

It is a myth that modern daughter-in-laws are averse to compromises. Just because a woman is modern in her thoughts, attitude and dressing does not mean she has taken leave of her senses or traded in her heart. A woman understands that every relationship is a balance of give and take. She understands that to win some she will have to lose some. To that extent every woman is willing to adapt and compromise.

Every woman’s ‘new family’ needs to understand the challenge of adapting to a new lifestyle. In-laws need to make changes of their own to make space for a new member of the family. Traditions and customs were created by man to make life a celebration. It’s time to tweak them and change them to keep the mood happy.

When you marry your son, remember you are not getting a puppy home. You are getting a woman. You can’t scold her or beat her into obeying you. You can’t train her. What you can do is love her and respect her. Give her the freedom to be herself and she might just open doors you never knew existed.

Western Influences On Indian Mindsets

Visualize a modern day young Indian woman.

What do you see?

Probably a lady dressed in a shirt, trousers and sunglasses, headed out to work at her MNC office. No?

Well maybe a young woman dressed in a gown for a masquerade party. No?

Wait maybe a lazy woman, sitting at her home, dressed in cool knickers, gorging on an ordered Pizza?

A common thread connecting these Indian ladies is that they’re Indian by origin and Western by influence. The ‘how’ of the influence is quite evident. From head to toe, from day to night, the attitude, the body language, all speak the language of the West. Dress code, language of communication, lifestyle, food, dance, everything and anything has been coloured in the hues and shades of the West.  

The question that pops up here is: Why is there a Western influence at all on young Indian women?

At the time India was colonized by the British, the society and culture were much different from what they are, today. The young Indian female, in particular had a totally different social status. The Western wave brought winds of change and over time, the influence passed on. And among others, the young Indian woman got much more independent.

Pros and Cons of the Society:
The society was a gender-biased and partial one. Social evils like the Sati practice prevailed. Widowed women were looked down upon as people who carried bad luck. The Dowry system, as it still does today, led to women being hassled for more money in their husbands’ homes. Cases of the bride being burnt alive are reported to this day. The woman of the house assisting the man in earning the daily bread and butter, wasn’t considered appropriate.

When a class of people is repressed too much, the rebellion comes back with greater force.

The freedom-starved Indian woman craved for all the freedom and luxuries the Western woman had. With time, as she got the right opportunities, she flourished under the influence and rose up to come face her counterpart and share much deserved, equal status with him. 

The Western society being a liberal one, held much attraction for the young Indian woman. Globalization, Liberalization, Intermingling of different backgrounds and cultures have as much of a positive impact as a negative one.

The young Indian woman of the moment is an individual aware of her rights and duties, a being financially and morally independent, someone who can raise her voice when wronged.
And it is nothing that a woman should not be!

Somewhere because of misinterpretation of the culture and heritage of such a progressive country of the past, the values got lost when imposed in an immoral way.

The loss has occurred. But there’s still chance to learn. If the Indian woman had to look westwards for inspiration, the society can be reconstructed in a manner than India becomes the new West and sets even higher standards of individual living.

After all, ours is the country where Shakti is worshiped as the source of all power. Correct interpretation and reimplementation of the old values of the Indian culture can build a society unparalleled, like it once was.

The Traditional Indian Woman - A Boon or a Bane?

If you take a closer look around you, you’ll realize that the traditional Indian woman is very different from her western counterparts. For those who have traveled the world and had the chance to meet women from different countries and cultures, it may come as a surprise that the characteristics of the typical Indian woman, and their sublime qualities like unquestionable forbearance, sacrifice and  sense of morality and virtue stands out. The traditional India woman is truly unique, but is that a boon or a bane?

The uniqueness of the traditional Indian woman:
When you think of a traditional Indian woman, the three things that first come to mind are poise, elegance and grace. The Indian woman has been reared and groomed to be nurturing, caring, and honorable. They are expected to hold a family together and to take a back seat to the whims of their husbands and fathers, and in most households they do not have an equal relationship with the men of the house. It is ingrained in to them since childhood that their duty is to fulfil their role as a wife, mother and sister, by putting their needs behind those for whom they care. While some may say this gives the Indian woman a matchless identity, others would not be wrong in saying that the traditional Indian woman has been born and bred to be repressed.

In all earnest, the Indian woman is not without weaknesses. While she has the inner strength to withstand a lot of emotional and physical distress in order to fulfill all the roles she plays, she often doesn’t have the strength and conviction to stand up against what she believes is wrong.  She feels she cannot overstep her boundaries and try to change the society she lives in, even when she doesn’t believe in the rules herself.

Is it time for the traditional Indian woman to change?
It comes as no surprise that the traditional Indian woman puts up with domestic abuse – be it physical, mental or emotion, as her fate. She believes that she cannot question the rules of the society, which is why a large percentage of all abusive marriages go unreported till date. It is time that the traditional Indian woman understands that the role she plays in this society is indispensable, and she has nothing to fear by voicing her opinion and drawing attention to the issues that are a cause for concern. Be it female infanticide, child abuse, sexual abuse or domestic violence, there is no reason for the Indian woman to maintain a stoic facade and bear with what can only be termed as ‘torture’. 

She needs to transform her thinking and understand that she doesn’t need to cast in a stereotype by the society. She has the right to be appreciated for who she is and encouraged for any steps she might want to take to bring about a positive change in her life. It is time that the Indian woman changes her mental outlook about her role, and understands that she has the right to stand up for what she believes in rather than give in to domestic drudgery. It isn’t worth caring about what others may think of her, but it’s more important to be a person she is proud to be.